when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
🤣😂
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂