Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
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[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Wednesday
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?