People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Shoo shoo! 😂
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!