My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
When I said I liked it rough.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this