9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
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I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Webb. James Webb.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?