If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
listen closely
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.