Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
philosophical skeletons be like
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*