My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…