Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
We’ve all been there…
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks