When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?