MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
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They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.