[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
You know…for fall…
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.