i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.