So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
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My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
*swipes right on my hand mirror
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.