[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
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I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me