German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
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So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.