Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
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me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Doctors texting each other.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy