Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
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She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
time machine? you mean a clock?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry