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Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.