[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
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Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*