I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…