they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
True
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I’m tired tomorrow.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later: