me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Ape together strong
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Mornin
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally