Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
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the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
*exercises sarcastically*
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I love the National Park Service.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.