me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Same post same
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”