It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.