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Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
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I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
You’ll be OK
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.