[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Perfect
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.