DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
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#merica
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Life with a cat in one tweet
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
don’t be scared