Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
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My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
#merica
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭