Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
peak technology
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow