[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
You Might Also Like
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”