My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.