i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
You Might Also Like
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back