Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
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Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
A friend sent me this.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.