GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic