My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.