[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Actually cracking up @ this
Your secret is safeish with me
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
The smoothest fall of all time
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath