Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
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Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO