Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
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[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge