Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
never forget
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?