I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”