This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup