My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me: