when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
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When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
being a writer on Twitter:
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.