Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
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My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.