Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit