Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Smile they said.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I am a gravy boat captain
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant