Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
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Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.