Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
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Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!